I would have tried to get a picture if he would have stayed still long enough.
During the post-dinner dish roundup, Freckles, our 8 1/2 year old basset hound, carefully picked up a steak knife by its wooden handle, and tried to run around the house with the blade sticking out of his mouth.
(He loves to show us how smart he is by finding things with which to play "Chase Me".)
It was too scary though, seeing him run with a knife in his mouth and then whip it back and forth as he turned his head toward one of us.
Next time we'll try and talk him down and snap one off.
In the meantime, let the neighborhood cats beware.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
The Whores of East Boulder County
After working over five years on the west side of Longmont in East Boulder County, I've become a bit jaded--and with good reason.
This morning four giggling high school girls in cutoffs and cleavage boosters came into the market around the lunch hour and walked directly to the pregnancy tests.
They proceeded to debate which brand was better for price, simplicity of results, etc.
One of the four (and one of the two Latinas, both of whom weren't kidding anyone with their home blonde dye jobs) tells the others "But this is the one I usually get."
The gaggle decides to take her sage advice. As they leave, the petite, probably fourteen-year-old, natural blonde draws her iPhone with gunslinger practice, sweeps her thumb across it, apparently bringing up the "Period Projector" app, and calls out to her friends "It's only been seven days."
All hail the millenials.
This morning four giggling high school girls in cutoffs and cleavage boosters came into the market around the lunch hour and walked directly to the pregnancy tests.
They proceeded to debate which brand was better for price, simplicity of results, etc.
One of the four (and one of the two Latinas, both of whom weren't kidding anyone with their home blonde dye jobs) tells the others "But this is the one I usually get."
The gaggle decides to take her sage advice. As they leave, the petite, probably fourteen-year-old, natural blonde draws her iPhone with gunslinger practice, sweeps her thumb across it, apparently bringing up the "Period Projector" app, and calls out to her friends "It's only been seven days."
All hail the millenials.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
On the Eve of My 45th Birthday
Lately a lot of old friends I haven't seen for awhile have asked how I am doing.
It's a natural conversational standard in our culture. One that's usually just glossed over with as little true sincerity as its inquiry.
I've decided to answer honestly.
Not good.
First, somehow, miraculously, I've managed to avoid, escape, and cheat death for 45 years. I've had some close calls--we all have--and now I'm at an age that was biologically unnatural for my caveman ancestors, and one where other predecessors might have set me adrift on an ice floe.
Here's the kicker: no known male ancestor of mine has lived past eighty-eight.
From that perspective, forty-four wasn't so bad. It was a measurable halfway point, but now I'm definitely on the downward slide.
This leads into my second item of concern. Blame it on the recession, if you will, but some days I don't even feel like I'll make it to fifty.
After my wife's employer failed us, cutting her hours from full to part time, then doubling her health costs because "she was part time now", and my former employer's failures led to only cuts in hours when I needed to finally go full time, I accepted a grunt work position in a large grocery chain in Longmont, Colorado, where I am constantly devalued both as a person and an employee.
"Survival job" is the polite term being bandied about in the media, but I prefer the more accurate term "recession job", or even more optimistically, "transitional job".
Coming from a position where you had to actually have some knowledge and use your brain into such a hand-blackening, back-unfriendly one, surrounded by the least intelligent and capable group of my entire life has been consistently more demoralizing every day.
Even though the pay was bad at Borders, at least they were willing to offer me a civilized schedule, and allow time off for family concerns.
The middle schedule that I now work, with days off that can be usurped at any time by the stoner kid with more seniority, makes me feel like I hardly ever see my family, and short 45-year-olds were physically not meant to do stocking.
I seem to remember working my way through college so I wouldn't have to work jobs like this.
It wasn't that long ago you could just quit and find another job that was somewhat better, but not currently.
Growing up in California, you could work when you were 16, with a work permit. I started working one week after my sixteenth birthday, so next Friday marks my 29th year anniversary as a productive citizen.
Oh, boy.
In 29 years, I've been unemployed for a total of six weeks. In today's climate that's an amazing streak, and one that can be easily broken.
I know this sounds melancholy (or as they say now, "emo") but realistically, I'm tired.
I have friends who have lost, or are losing their homes, or been out of work for almost a year, and so far I've been able to hold off those outcomes.
But damn it, I'm tired. I'm tired of bosses who's sole attribute is longevity due to age and lack of any other ambitions, tired of weekly back, neck, and other pain, tired of being under appreciated, devalued, and demeaned. I did what I was supposed to: worked hard, went to school, was, and am, a much better father than mine and my father's father.
Virtue is damned in a world where everyone wants to be like Walmart.
I've never considered myself an optimist, but I'm actually amazed how optimistic, or at least hopeful, I am in my belief that eventually things will get better.
The ball has to bounce upward at some point. And the sooner, the better.
I'm sure we're all in agreement on that.
Well, if you read this far, thank you for letting a middle-aged man ramble.
I think I'm going to have a couple beers and wallow in the dark with some Otis Redding.
I hope we will all be in better places next year.
45 is only good as a bra size or a pistol,
Larry
It's a natural conversational standard in our culture. One that's usually just glossed over with as little true sincerity as its inquiry.
I've decided to answer honestly.
Not good.
First, somehow, miraculously, I've managed to avoid, escape, and cheat death for 45 years. I've had some close calls--we all have--and now I'm at an age that was biologically unnatural for my caveman ancestors, and one where other predecessors might have set me adrift on an ice floe.
Here's the kicker: no known male ancestor of mine has lived past eighty-eight.
From that perspective, forty-four wasn't so bad. It was a measurable halfway point, but now I'm definitely on the downward slide.
This leads into my second item of concern. Blame it on the recession, if you will, but some days I don't even feel like I'll make it to fifty.
After my wife's employer failed us, cutting her hours from full to part time, then doubling her health costs because "she was part time now", and my former employer's failures led to only cuts in hours when I needed to finally go full time, I accepted a grunt work position in a large grocery chain in Longmont, Colorado, where I am constantly devalued both as a person and an employee.
"Survival job" is the polite term being bandied about in the media, but I prefer the more accurate term "recession job", or even more optimistically, "transitional job".
Coming from a position where you had to actually have some knowledge and use your brain into such a hand-blackening, back-unfriendly one, surrounded by the least intelligent and capable group of my entire life has been consistently more demoralizing every day.
Even though the pay was bad at Borders, at least they were willing to offer me a civilized schedule, and allow time off for family concerns.
The middle schedule that I now work, with days off that can be usurped at any time by the stoner kid with more seniority, makes me feel like I hardly ever see my family, and short 45-year-olds were physically not meant to do stocking.
I seem to remember working my way through college so I wouldn't have to work jobs like this.
It wasn't that long ago you could just quit and find another job that was somewhat better, but not currently.
Growing up in California, you could work when you were 16, with a work permit. I started working one week after my sixteenth birthday, so next Friday marks my 29th year anniversary as a productive citizen.
Oh, boy.
In 29 years, I've been unemployed for a total of six weeks. In today's climate that's an amazing streak, and one that can be easily broken.
I know this sounds melancholy (or as they say now, "emo") but realistically, I'm tired.
I have friends who have lost, or are losing their homes, or been out of work for almost a year, and so far I've been able to hold off those outcomes.
But damn it, I'm tired. I'm tired of bosses who's sole attribute is longevity due to age and lack of any other ambitions, tired of weekly back, neck, and other pain, tired of being under appreciated, devalued, and demeaned. I did what I was supposed to: worked hard, went to school, was, and am, a much better father than mine and my father's father.
Virtue is damned in a world where everyone wants to be like Walmart.
I've never considered myself an optimist, but I'm actually amazed how optimistic, or at least hopeful, I am in my belief that eventually things will get better.
The ball has to bounce upward at some point. And the sooner, the better.
I'm sure we're all in agreement on that.
Well, if you read this far, thank you for letting a middle-aged man ramble.
I think I'm going to have a couple beers and wallow in the dark with some Otis Redding.
I hope we will all be in better places next year.
45 is only good as a bra size or a pistol,
Larry
Friday, October 16, 2009
Honolulu Zombie Examiner Application
Originally I tried to become the Honolulu Zombie Examiner, after discovering the Denver one was already taken.
The folks at Examiner.com won't let you write in two different location markets (even though an author can write a book set in any city, or any planet for that matter, from their own physical location without it being any real conflict of interest).
Carol Orsini was nice enough to create the Longmont spot for me, though.
Since I think it still deserves to be read, here is my brief application piece with accompanying info for the Honolulu Zombie Examiner.
Please note how I completely bullshitted (bullshat?) my way through insider knowledge with the help of some minor research.
I still stand behind Kona Brewing Company, though.
Excerpts for Larry's Honolulu Zombie Examiner Application:
Select your edition : Honolulu
How long? : Visited several times.
What's your insider knowledge? : If you’re looking for beer in Honolulu, Kona Brewing at the Koko Marina has the best ales, but you can’t beat the food pairing at the monthly brewing dinners hosted by Dave Campell at Sam Choy’s Big Aloha Brewery off the North Nimitz Highway.
Category : Games & Hobbies
Specific Topic : Honolulu Zombie Examiner
What would you like to write about? : I will seek to engage and inform readers about both the advantages and disadvantages of living in the islands during a zombie uprising. I will also keep them up to date on all things undead, including upcoming books and movies, such as “Zombieland”.
What qualifies you? : I am a longtime zombie enthusiast. I am well versed in their lore and methods. Working in a book store, I have also had plenty of time to read numerous accounts and projections of their attacks, especially the works of Max Brooks and David Wellington. I have also had substantial success writing as the Denver Dog News Examiner, and am looking to branch out into other subjects.
What makes you different? : Currently I am developing a novel with the working title of “Undead in Paradise” about a zombie outbreak on Oahu, and I think that both the book project and this position could benefit from my writing.
Article 1: Disney Princesses drawn as zombies: the art of Jeffrey Thomas
Article 2: Where to hold up #4: Save the brewery!
Article 3: Review of “Zombieland”
Preparing, uploading photos : 5
Creating Hyperlinks : 5
Embedding Videos : 5
Online promotion through sites like Digg : 3
Your article : 3 Pros and Cons about a zombie invasion in Hawaii
Nobody really wants to be stuck in a zombie uprising. Sure, it appears romantic enough in the movies, but when the brains splatter the wall, you really only have two choices--release your bladder and surrender or fight.
Living in Hawaii presents certain advantages, and disadvantages, toward fighting an ever increasing army of the undead. Here are some things to consider.
Pro: Hawaii is first and foremost an island. We are far enough away from the mainland U.S. and other countries to avoid initial heavy, and continued, devastation. In Max Brooks’ fictional work, “World War Z”, the president and the remaining heads of the American government even relocate here. You can also island hop if you’re overrun locally.
Con: Hawaii is an island, far from the mainland U.S. and other countries. That means we are cut off and on our own. If a stray airliner full of contaminated passengers (like in the movie “Flight of the Living Dead”) lands or crashes here, or a zombie-inducing pandemic hits, don’t expect supplies and reinforcements to show up any time soon.
Pro: We have natural resources, especially food, to last quite awhile. You can maintain a healthy diet, and even stay alert on Kona coffee.
Con: The zombies also have plenty of food. Besides, you can only eat so much fruit. Too much citrus corrodes the teeth. And again, medicine and other supplies may not be coming in the near future, or at all.
Pro: Hawaii provides excellent geographical defenses. The natural terrain provides plenty of vantage points to hide, from which to mount a counter offensive, and even volcanoes to burn the offending corpses. The warm weather and salt air are also conducive to meat spoilage, meaning that zombies will decay and lose their predatory effectiveness faster here than in a colder, drier climate. Tough luck, Colorado.
Con: Due to the island status, if infection is widespread and growing, it may only be a matter of time. Paradise can turn to a prison quickly.
Your best bet in any scenario is to remain calm, stay alert, and prepare. In the upcoming months, I will help you with all three. Just pray that we still have time.
The folks at Examiner.com won't let you write in two different location markets (even though an author can write a book set in any city, or any planet for that matter, from their own physical location without it being any real conflict of interest).
Carol Orsini was nice enough to create the Longmont spot for me, though.
Since I think it still deserves to be read, here is my brief application piece with accompanying info for the Honolulu Zombie Examiner.
Please note how I completely bullshitted (bullshat?) my way through insider knowledge with the help of some minor research.
I still stand behind Kona Brewing Company, though.
Excerpts for Larry's Honolulu Zombie Examiner Application:
Select your edition : Honolulu
How long? : Visited several times.
What's your insider knowledge? : If you’re looking for beer in Honolulu, Kona Brewing at the Koko Marina has the best ales, but you can’t beat the food pairing at the monthly brewing dinners hosted by Dave Campell at Sam Choy’s Big Aloha Brewery off the North Nimitz Highway.
Category : Games & Hobbies
Specific Topic : Honolulu Zombie Examiner
What would you like to write about? : I will seek to engage and inform readers about both the advantages and disadvantages of living in the islands during a zombie uprising. I will also keep them up to date on all things undead, including upcoming books and movies, such as “Zombieland”.
What qualifies you? : I am a longtime zombie enthusiast. I am well versed in their lore and methods. Working in a book store, I have also had plenty of time to read numerous accounts and projections of their attacks, especially the works of Max Brooks and David Wellington. I have also had substantial success writing as the Denver Dog News Examiner, and am looking to branch out into other subjects.
What makes you different? : Currently I am developing a novel with the working title of “Undead in Paradise” about a zombie outbreak on Oahu, and I think that both the book project and this position could benefit from my writing.
Article 1: Disney Princesses drawn as zombies: the art of Jeffrey Thomas
Article 2: Where to hold up #4: Save the brewery!
Article 3: Review of “Zombieland”
Preparing, uploading photos : 5
Creating Hyperlinks : 5
Embedding Videos : 5
Online promotion through sites like Digg : 3
Your article : 3 Pros and Cons about a zombie invasion in Hawaii
Nobody really wants to be stuck in a zombie uprising. Sure, it appears romantic enough in the movies, but when the brains splatter the wall, you really only have two choices--release your bladder and surrender or fight.
Living in Hawaii presents certain advantages, and disadvantages, toward fighting an ever increasing army of the undead. Here are some things to consider.
Pro: Hawaii is first and foremost an island. We are far enough away from the mainland U.S. and other countries to avoid initial heavy, and continued, devastation. In Max Brooks’ fictional work, “World War Z”, the president and the remaining heads of the American government even relocate here. You can also island hop if you’re overrun locally.
Con: Hawaii is an island, far from the mainland U.S. and other countries. That means we are cut off and on our own. If a stray airliner full of contaminated passengers (like in the movie “Flight of the Living Dead”) lands or crashes here, or a zombie-inducing pandemic hits, don’t expect supplies and reinforcements to show up any time soon.
Pro: We have natural resources, especially food, to last quite awhile. You can maintain a healthy diet, and even stay alert on Kona coffee.
Con: The zombies also have plenty of food. Besides, you can only eat so much fruit. Too much citrus corrodes the teeth. And again, medicine and other supplies may not be coming in the near future, or at all.
Pro: Hawaii provides excellent geographical defenses. The natural terrain provides plenty of vantage points to hide, from which to mount a counter offensive, and even volcanoes to burn the offending corpses. The warm weather and salt air are also conducive to meat spoilage, meaning that zombies will decay and lose their predatory effectiveness faster here than in a colder, drier climate. Tough luck, Colorado.
Con: Due to the island status, if infection is widespread and growing, it may only be a matter of time. Paradise can turn to a prison quickly.
Your best bet in any scenario is to remain calm, stay alert, and prepare. In the upcoming months, I will help you with all three. Just pray that we still have time.
I am the new Longmont Zombie Examiner
With Google reclassifying Examiner.com's offerings, and all E's writers suffering a 55% or worse drop in views recently, I have taken on a second assignment as "The Longmont Zombie Examiner".
You can check out my first few articles here:
http://www.examiner.com/x-25605-Longmont-Zombie-Examiner
I am still continuing as the Denver Dog News Examiner.
You can check out my first few articles here:
http://www.examiner.com/x-25605-Longmont-Zombie-Examiner
I am still continuing as the Denver Dog News Examiner.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Announcement: I am the new Denver Dog Examiner
I am the new Denver Dog News Examiner for Examiner.com.
My page went active today. You can check out my articles at:
http://www.examiner.com/x-9231-Denver-Dog-News-Examiner
My page went active today. You can check out my articles at:
http://www.examiner.com/x-9231-Denver-Dog-News-Examiner
Friday, April 17, 2009
Cold Weather Dog Care
Old Man Winter has gone easy on us this year. However, the recent spate of spring storms is a reminder that dogs have special needs in cold weather.
As the blustery winds sweep over the Front Range, lowering the mercury and increasing the likelihood of snow, water spots freeze and dry air can cause static electricity.
Shoveling a brief circular trail through your yard, and past his favorite tree, gives your dog a quick place to take care of their personal business, and perhaps get in some much needed sniffing.
After your dog has been playing in the snow, check his feet. There may be snow frozen between his toes. This can be unpleasant for dogs, and lead to cracking of the pads of their feet.
Snow can also stick to a dog's feet, ears, tail, and undercarriage, becoming cold and painful. Taking the time to wipe them off with a towel increases your pal’s comfort and saves you some cleanup when they melt.
If necessary, you can remove stuck snow using a warm wash cloth. Trimming excessive hair between your dog’s toes can also help to prevent some sticking as well.
If you have a breed that is small, hairless, or doesn’t have a thick coat, consider buying them a sweater or even booties. You can find excellent selections online or at local pet stores.
No one wants to be left outside in the cold, especially young puppies. Puppies and small dogs can not generate body heat as well as older and bigger dogs. Bring them inside where it is warm.
Beware of two chemical concerns common to this time of year. If your dog has been out on salted sidewalks, rinse and dry off their paws. Be careful of frozen car chemicals such as antifreeze--it is extremely poisonous. Contact your local vet or poison control center immediately if you see or suspect exposure.
Monday, February 23, 2009
This Year's Academy Awards (Yawn)
Aside from Ben Stiller's take on Joaquin Phoenix, this year's Academy Awards continued its self-congratulatory decline.
(And how good would a presenting team of apathetic Joaquin Phoenix and swearing Christian Bale have been?)
At best, things were anti-climatic. Didn't they already have a celebration of Hollywood liberals this year? I think we called it "The Inaugural".
Aside from being the year of the homosexual, again, where did all these Indian people come from? How come none of them are driving cabs?
More importantly, where the hell were they when I needed someone to cheat off in Algebra class?
Looking over this year's list of pompous nominees, I could either scrape together $10-12 (or ONLY $9 for a matinee) to sit behind a couple chattering old ladies going on and on and on and on about how predeterminedly wonderful the movie they're about to see is, based solely on what they heard during the show last night, or rent the newly released "Against the Dark" during dollar day from the local video store and watch Steven Seagal battle vampires.
Here's a hint: one of the choices saves me about ten dollars and two hours of my life.
By the way, a personal thanks from my front room TV to the Fox network, for its bold decision to not run any new episodes of "Family Guy" or "Simpsons" during the debacle, and leave us with only three hours of NASCAR instead. It really enjoyed having the night off.
(And how good would a presenting team of apathetic Joaquin Phoenix and swearing Christian Bale have been?)
At best, things were anti-climatic. Didn't they already have a celebration of Hollywood liberals this year? I think we called it "The Inaugural".
Aside from being the year of the homosexual, again, where did all these Indian people come from? How come none of them are driving cabs?
More importantly, where the hell were they when I needed someone to cheat off in Algebra class?
Looking over this year's list of pompous nominees, I could either scrape together $10-12 (or ONLY $9 for a matinee) to sit behind a couple chattering old ladies going on and on and on and on about how predeterminedly wonderful the movie they're about to see is, based solely on what they heard during the show last night, or rent the newly released "Against the Dark" during dollar day from the local video store and watch Steven Seagal battle vampires.
Here's a hint: one of the choices saves me about ten dollars and two hours of my life.
By the way, a personal thanks from my front room TV to the Fox network, for its bold decision to not run any new episodes of "Family Guy" or "Simpsons" during the debacle, and leave us with only three hours of NASCAR instead. It really enjoyed having the night off.
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