This Year's Academy Awards (Yawn)

Aside from Ben Stiller's take on Joaquin Phoenix, this year's Academy Awards continued its self-congratulatory decline.

(And how good would a presenting team of apathetic Joaquin Phoenix and swearing Christian Bale have been?)


At best, things were anti-climatic. Didn't they already have a celebration of Hollywood liberals this year? I think we called it "The Inaugural".

Aside from being the year of the homosexual, again, where did all these Indian people come from? How come none of them are driving cabs?

More importantly, where the hell were they when I needed someone to cheat off in Algebra class?

Looking over this year's list of pompous nominees, I could either scrape together $10-12 (or ONLY $9 for a matinee) to sit behind a couple chattering old ladies going on and on and on and on about how predeterminedly wonderful the movie they're about to see is, based solely on what they heard during the show last night, or rent the newly released "Against the Dark" during dollar day from the local video store and watch Steven Seagal battle vampires.


Here's a hint: one of the choices saves me about ten dollars and two hours of my life.

By the way, a personal thanks from my front room TV to the Fox network, for its bold decision to not run any new episodes of "Family Guy" or "Simpsons" during the debacle, and leave us with only three hours of NASCAR instead. It really enjoyed having the night off.

Et tu, U2

Okay, one final Letterman post, because as I pointed out before his liberal show business spoutings sicken me. (And the Joaquin Phoenix debacle could also just have been a grand plot to make Letterman appear funny again.)

U2 has been booked for five straight nights on the Letterman show, March 2-6, as part of a publicity stunt for their upcoming album/CD "No Line on the Horizon".

Hey, maybe Bono will come over to the couch and tell me what I can do about world hunger!

Joaquin Phoenix is Not That Good an Actor

Alright. So everyone is pooping themselves over the latest celebrity "is he or isn't he" scenario. (No, Tom Cruise. We're not talking about you.)

This time it involves Joaquin Phoenix and his alleged rapper career move. He claims that he has quit acting, although his buddy Casey Affleck is following him around with a camera filming the whole charade for an upcoming "documentary".

He was on Letterman a couple nights ago, seeming incoherent and unresponsive, allowing Dave a chance to sling in a dozen or so one liners.

Letterman was actually pretty good. He definitely wasn't in his prime, but on this particular night he only seemed about ten years past his prime, instead of the usual twenty.

That's not too bad, considering how much of a whiny East Coast left Dave has become in his old age.

Joaquin, considering his family and personal history, could be another Hollywood drug burnout case.

However, when you look past the dark glasses hiding his eyes, the "look down and chew gum" maneuver when Dave would make a funny to keep from smiling or chuckling, and the unresponsive character play, it pretty becomes pretty obvious he's just playing a part. Look for excerpts from this faux interview to be part of his mockumentary.

You can see for yourself at the link, unless CBS decides to bully it off youtube.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090213/ap_on_en_tv/tv_letterman_phoenix;_ylt=AsCvL6O8MwAMUdiPa7ZSP5FxFb8C

Why Most of the World Hates Us, Part 54

Do I really need to say more?

https://www.gobaz.com/prodpage.asp?ProdID=6889

Okay. I will:
-Daffy's packing a torpedo
-No wonder Donald never wears pants
-There's a surprise in the bubble bath
-So that's why Ernie from Sesame Street sings "Rubber Ducky, you're the one"


+ Enlarge/More Pics
Duck with a Dick

Price: £3.95
$7.82 4.98
(approximate conversions for guide only)

Sorry, Out Of Stock At The MomentHurry! only 0 left!
Description:
This lovely duck floats in the bath and looks great...but what lurks under the water..its secret weapon to make you smile. Full Specification:
plastic floating duck
rubber dick ( removeable)
approx 12 cms long

I especially like the fact that it's currently sold out.

No More Spitting on the Little Arab Boy

After 40 years of promoting world peace and showcasing the cultures of the world, the renovated "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland re-opened. Only now, instead of all the little children of the world singing and playing together in unity, they've been deported in favor of Disney brand character dolls.

That's right. Instead of happy little children from around the globe, you now get Aladdin, Nemo, Cinderella, Alice from Wonderland (what continent is that in again?) and about two dozen more trademarked Disney properties/characters.



Also intermixed into the charm of the "Small World" song, are snipets from some of Disney's hit soundtracks.

Disney says it replaced the human dolls with make-believe figures to keep the aging ride appealing to younger generations and give it a new twist.
(Twist = marketing, self-promotion of kids' videos and merchandise)

Yet after initial reports of the changes were leaked last year, the son of the ride's original designer, children's illustrator Mary Blair, wrote an open letter to Disney executives blasting the changes as "a gross desecration of the ride's original theme."

Disney classists aren't happy with the change. Why, one of my fondest memories of the ride was visiting there after 9/11, and seeing the little Arab boy at the entrance covered in loogie.



http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Fact-meets-fantasy-in-Disney-apf-14265301.html
http://wfmz.com/view/?id=629262

Michael Phelps is Still a Flake, But Not For Kellogg

From the "Yeah, This is a Big Surprise" department:

A couple days after Michael Phelps apologized for being photographed with a marijuana pipe, the cereal maker says it has dropped the 14-time Olympic gold medalist as a spokesman.

Phelps, whose goofy mug showed up on boxes of Kellogg's Corn Flakes and Frosted Flakes after winning a record eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics last summer (yawn), made a big whiny celebrity apology Tuesday for not just saying no to drugs after the British tabloid News of the World dropped a picture of him pulling a Bill Clinton at a college house party last fall.

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," Phelps said in a statement. "I'm 23 years old, and, despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."











"Well, maybe just one more . . ."

Despite his experience with the water (or the bong water), U.S. swimming officials also announced Thursday they were slapping Phelps on the wrist by barring him from competing for three months and withdrawing financial support from him for a period of "reprimand."

(In a move of related severity, I grounded my youngest son this week. He has no tv for seven days, and has to clean his room. I know that's tough love--but I'm sure he's not up there just playing with action figures, and he can catch any reruns he missed on hulu.com next week.)

Now that Phelps is starting to suffer from dropped sponsorship, I wonder what he will do with his extra time?

I Want a Recount

I think my numbers came out a little low . . .

You Are 86% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

Get 'em while they're cold

Ever have that post-holiday sense of dissatisfaction?

Like there was that one gift you really wanted but didn’t get?

January is the traditional time to take care of unfinished business and make new resolutions. And the first thing you should resolve to do is reward yourself with one of the myriad of holiday ales from local Colorado breweries which you missed.

There are certain special brewing seasons in the beer world, and they kick in gear with Oktoberfest then culminate in the big Winter brews. You may refer to them as Christmas beers or Wassails, but this is when brewmasters go for enough creative gusto to give themselves bragging rights all the way through the summer.

Winter specials tend to be big on everything, especially malt (and therefore alcohol level), hops, and my personal favorite, spices. Cinnamon, coriander, orange peel, even actual chocolate are favorites as the lines to speak with Santa start to build.

Unfortunately, these extra efforts are usually in limited production, due to their costly nature and specialty audience.

All is not lost, though. Now is the time to act!

Due to their high alcohol feature, these wondrous brews have excellent preservation. It’s just a matter of hunting them down.

Here are three treasures from our great state that you should rush out and try to find. After introducing them to a loved one, who knows? Maybe next year you’ll find one in your stocking instead of an indestructible chunk of fruitcake.

1.) Snow Bound Spice Ale from the Lefthand Brewing Company of Longmont, Colorado
This is my personal favorite. It’s a strong ale generally spiced with all natural ingredients, including local clover honey, cinnamon, chopped ginger, orange zest, cardamom, and cloves. Its deep red color looks amazing when held up to a crackling fireplace, and it’s not too heavy to have a second, or third. Alcohol is 8.6% by volume. At only $5.99 a bomber, it’s a late Christmas miracle!
www.lefthandbrewing.com



2.) Frambrozen Raspberry Brown Ale from New Belgium Brewing of Fort Collins, Colorado
Comfort food in a bottle! When you uncap it, the aroma of fresh raspberry makes you forget about long lines and credit card debt. Its crimson color reflects not only the addition of the raspberries, but its delightful malt balance. This smooth ale is also a big hit with the non-beer aficionados. 7% alcohol by volume. Available in six packs.
http://www.newbelgium.com/beer/frambozen



3.) Cocoa Porter Winter Warmer from the Tommyknocker Brewery of Idaho Springs, Colorado
This is the post-roast beast dessert beer. Roasted cocoa beans and honey make this European style porter a perfect complement to a big slice of fudge cake. Well balanced with 5.7% alcohol.
http://www.tommyknocker.com


So stock up on those holiday ales today--or you’ll have to wait another ten months!

This Just In: Christian Bale Reminds My Kids of Me When Driving

"Batman" and "American Psycho" (although he's actually Welsh) star Christian Bale threw a world class hissy fit and nearly pooped himself last July on the set of "Terminator: Salvation".

Audio of the incident, when cinematographer Shane Hurlbut accidentally walked into the background of a shot, prompted this lovely tirade:



Coincidently, over-paid, whiny Bale reminds me of every over-paid, whiny retail manager I've ever had the displeasure of working for.

(My kids just think Batman reminds them of me trying to manuever around all the old farts who shouldn't be driving anymore and all the traffic-impeding trains that go through town.)













"Some days you just can not get a f*cking break."

What Type of Coffee Am I?

As if there were ever any doubt:

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

That's a Personal Question, Bub

Here's the trailer from yesterday's (yawn) Superbowl for the upcoming G.I. Joe
movie.

I know it's immature, but I like the part when old Dr. Who asks Dennis Quaid "What did you say your unit was called?"



Also, how can I hate terrorists who blow up the Eiffel Tower? Really?