Honolulu Zombie Examiner Application

Originally I tried to become the Honolulu Zombie Examiner, after discovering the Denver one was already taken.

The folks at Examiner.com won't let you write in two different location markets (even though an author can write a book set in any city, or any planet for that matter, from their own physical location without it being any real conflict of interest).

Carol Orsini was nice enough to create the Longmont spot for me, though.

Since I think it still deserves to be read, here is my brief application piece with accompanying info for the Honolulu Zombie Examiner.

Please note how I completely bullshitted (bullshat?) my way through insider knowledge with the help of some minor research.

I still stand behind Kona Brewing Company, though.

Excerpts for Larry's Honolulu Zombie Examiner Application:

Select your edition : Honolulu
How long? : Visited several times.
What's your insider knowledge? : If you’re looking for beer in Honolulu, Kona Brewing at the Koko Marina has the best ales, but you can’t beat the food pairing at the monthly brewing dinners hosted by Dave Campell at Sam Choy’s Big Aloha Brewery off the North Nimitz Highway.

Category : Games & Hobbies
Specific Topic : Honolulu Zombie Examiner

What would you like to write about? : I will seek to engage and inform readers about both the advantages and disadvantages of living in the islands during a zombie uprising. I will also keep them up to date on all things undead, including upcoming books and movies, such as “Zombieland”.

What qualifies you? : I am a longtime zombie enthusiast. I am well versed in their lore and methods. Working in a book store, I have also had plenty of time to read numerous accounts and projections of their attacks, especially the works of Max Brooks and David Wellington. I have also had substantial success writing as the Denver Dog News Examiner, and am looking to branch out into other subjects.

What makes you different? : Currently I am developing a novel with the working title of “Undead in Paradise” about a zombie outbreak on Oahu, and I think that both the book project and this position could benefit from my writing.

Article 1: Disney Princesses drawn as zombies: the art of Jeffrey Thomas
Article 2: Where to hold up #4: Save the brewery!
Article 3: Review of “Zombieland”
Preparing, uploading photos : 5
Creating Hyperlinks : 5
Embedding Videos : 5
Online promotion through sites like Digg : 3



Your article : 3 Pros and Cons about a zombie invasion in Hawaii
Nobody really wants to be stuck in a zombie uprising. Sure, it appears romantic enough in the movies, but when the brains splatter the wall, you really only have two choices--release your bladder and surrender or fight.

Living in Hawaii presents certain advantages, and disadvantages, toward fighting an ever increasing army of the undead. Here are some things to consider.

Pro: Hawaii is first and foremost an island. We are far enough away from the mainland U.S. and other countries to avoid initial heavy, and continued, devastation. In Max Brooks’ fictional work, “World War Z”, the president and the remaining heads of the American government even relocate here. You can also island hop if you’re overrun locally.

Con: Hawaii is an island, far from the mainland U.S. and other countries. That means we are cut off and on our own. If a stray airliner full of contaminated passengers (like in the movie “Flight of the Living Dead”) lands or crashes here, or a zombie-inducing pandemic hits, don’t expect supplies and reinforcements to show up any time soon.

Pro: We have natural resources, especially food, to last quite awhile. You can maintain a healthy diet, and even stay alert on Kona coffee.

Con: The zombies also have plenty of food. Besides, you can only eat so much fruit. Too much citrus corrodes the teeth. And again, medicine and other supplies may not be coming in the near future, or at all.

Pro: Hawaii provides excellent geographical defenses. The natural terrain provides plenty of vantage points to hide, from which to mount a counter offensive, and even volcanoes to burn the offending corpses. The warm weather and salt air are also conducive to meat spoilage, meaning that zombies will decay and lose their predatory effectiveness faster here than in a colder, drier climate. Tough luck, Colorado.

Con: Due to the island status, if infection is widespread and growing, it may only be a matter of time. Paradise can turn to a prison quickly.

Your best bet in any scenario is to remain calm, stay alert, and prepare. In the upcoming months, I will help you with all three. Just pray that we still have time.

I am the new Longmont Zombie Examiner

With Google reclassifying Examiner.com's offerings, and all E's writers suffering a 55% or worse drop in views recently, I have taken on a second assignment as "The Longmont Zombie Examiner".

You can check out my first few articles here:

http://www.examiner.com/x-25605-Longmont-Zombie-Examiner

I am still continuing as the Denver Dog News Examiner.

Announcement: I am the new Denver Dog Examiner

I am the new Denver Dog News Examiner for Examiner.com.

My page went active today. You can check out my articles at:

http://www.examiner.com/x-9231-Denver-Dog-News-Examiner

Cold Weather Dog Care

Old Man Winter has gone easy on us this year. However, the recent spate of spring storms is a reminder that dogs have special needs in cold weather.

As the blustery winds sweep over the Front Range, lowering the mercury and increasing the likelihood of snow, water spots freeze and dry air can cause static electricity.

Shoveling a brief circular trail through your yard, and past his favorite tree, gives your dog a quick place to take care of their personal business, and perhaps get in some much needed sniffing.

After your dog has been playing in the snow, check his feet. There may be snow frozen between his toes. This can be unpleasant for dogs, and lead to cracking of the pads of their feet.

Snow can also stick to a dog's feet, ears, tail, and undercarriage, becoming cold and painful. Taking the time to wipe them off with a towel increases your pal’s comfort and saves you some cleanup when they melt.

If necessary, you can remove stuck snow using a warm wash cloth. Trimming excessive hair between your dog’s toes can also help to prevent some sticking as well.

If you have a breed that is small, hairless, or doesn’t have a thick coat, consider buying them a sweater or even booties. You can find excellent selections online or at local pet stores.

No one wants to be left outside in the cold, especially young puppies. Puppies and small dogs can not generate body heat as well as older and bigger dogs. Bring them inside where it is warm.

Beware of two chemical concerns common to this time of year. If your dog has been out on salted sidewalks, rinse and dry off their paws. Be careful of frozen car chemicals such as antifreeze--it is extremely poisonous. Contact your local vet or poison control center immediately if you see or suspect exposure.

This Year's Academy Awards (Yawn)

Aside from Ben Stiller's take on Joaquin Phoenix, this year's Academy Awards continued its self-congratulatory decline.

(And how good would a presenting team of apathetic Joaquin Phoenix and swearing Christian Bale have been?)


At best, things were anti-climatic. Didn't they already have a celebration of Hollywood liberals this year? I think we called it "The Inaugural".

Aside from being the year of the homosexual, again, where did all these Indian people come from? How come none of them are driving cabs?

More importantly, where the hell were they when I needed someone to cheat off in Algebra class?

Looking over this year's list of pompous nominees, I could either scrape together $10-12 (or ONLY $9 for a matinee) to sit behind a couple chattering old ladies going on and on and on and on about how predeterminedly wonderful the movie they're about to see is, based solely on what they heard during the show last night, or rent the newly released "Against the Dark" during dollar day from the local video store and watch Steven Seagal battle vampires.


Here's a hint: one of the choices saves me about ten dollars and two hours of my life.

By the way, a personal thanks from my front room TV to the Fox network, for its bold decision to not run any new episodes of "Family Guy" or "Simpsons" during the debacle, and leave us with only three hours of NASCAR instead. It really enjoyed having the night off.

Et tu, U2

Okay, one final Letterman post, because as I pointed out before his liberal show business spoutings sicken me. (And the Joaquin Phoenix debacle could also just have been a grand plot to make Letterman appear funny again.)

U2 has been booked for five straight nights on the Letterman show, March 2-6, as part of a publicity stunt for their upcoming album/CD "No Line on the Horizon".

Hey, maybe Bono will come over to the couch and tell me what I can do about world hunger!

Joaquin Phoenix is Not That Good an Actor

Alright. So everyone is pooping themselves over the latest celebrity "is he or isn't he" scenario. (No, Tom Cruise. We're not talking about you.)

This time it involves Joaquin Phoenix and his alleged rapper career move. He claims that he has quit acting, although his buddy Casey Affleck is following him around with a camera filming the whole charade for an upcoming "documentary".

He was on Letterman a couple nights ago, seeming incoherent and unresponsive, allowing Dave a chance to sling in a dozen or so one liners.

Letterman was actually pretty good. He definitely wasn't in his prime, but on this particular night he only seemed about ten years past his prime, instead of the usual twenty.

That's not too bad, considering how much of a whiny East Coast left Dave has become in his old age.

Joaquin, considering his family and personal history, could be another Hollywood drug burnout case.

However, when you look past the dark glasses hiding his eyes, the "look down and chew gum" maneuver when Dave would make a funny to keep from smiling or chuckling, and the unresponsive character play, it pretty becomes pretty obvious he's just playing a part. Look for excerpts from this faux interview to be part of his mockumentary.

You can see for yourself at the link, unless CBS decides to bully it off youtube.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090213/ap_on_en_tv/tv_letterman_phoenix;_ylt=AsCvL6O8MwAMUdiPa7ZSP5FxFb8C

Why Most of the World Hates Us, Part 54

Do I really need to say more?

https://www.gobaz.com/prodpage.asp?ProdID=6889

Okay. I will:
-Daffy's packing a torpedo
-No wonder Donald never wears pants
-There's a surprise in the bubble bath
-So that's why Ernie from Sesame Street sings "Rubber Ducky, you're the one"


+ Enlarge/More Pics
Duck with a Dick

Price: £3.95
$7.82 4.98
(approximate conversions for guide only)

Sorry, Out Of Stock At The MomentHurry! only 0 left!
Description:
This lovely duck floats in the bath and looks great...but what lurks under the water..its secret weapon to make you smile. Full Specification:
plastic floating duck
rubber dick ( removeable)
approx 12 cms long

I especially like the fact that it's currently sold out.

No More Spitting on the Little Arab Boy

After 40 years of promoting world peace and showcasing the cultures of the world, the renovated "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland re-opened. Only now, instead of all the little children of the world singing and playing together in unity, they've been deported in favor of Disney brand character dolls.

That's right. Instead of happy little children from around the globe, you now get Aladdin, Nemo, Cinderella, Alice from Wonderland (what continent is that in again?) and about two dozen more trademarked Disney properties/characters.



Also intermixed into the charm of the "Small World" song, are snipets from some of Disney's hit soundtracks.

Disney says it replaced the human dolls with make-believe figures to keep the aging ride appealing to younger generations and give it a new twist.
(Twist = marketing, self-promotion of kids' videos and merchandise)

Yet after initial reports of the changes were leaked last year, the son of the ride's original designer, children's illustrator Mary Blair, wrote an open letter to Disney executives blasting the changes as "a gross desecration of the ride's original theme."

Disney classists aren't happy with the change. Why, one of my fondest memories of the ride was visiting there after 9/11, and seeing the little Arab boy at the entrance covered in loogie.



http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Fact-meets-fantasy-in-Disney-apf-14265301.html
http://wfmz.com/view/?id=629262

Michael Phelps is Still a Flake, But Not For Kellogg

From the "Yeah, This is a Big Surprise" department:

A couple days after Michael Phelps apologized for being photographed with a marijuana pipe, the cereal maker says it has dropped the 14-time Olympic gold medalist as a spokesman.

Phelps, whose goofy mug showed up on boxes of Kellogg's Corn Flakes and Frosted Flakes after winning a record eight gold medals at the Beijing Olympics last summer (yawn), made a big whiny celebrity apology Tuesday for not just saying no to drugs after the British tabloid News of the World dropped a picture of him pulling a Bill Clinton at a college house party last fall.

"I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," Phelps said in a statement. "I'm 23 years old, and, despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again."











"Well, maybe just one more . . ."

Despite his experience with the water (or the bong water), U.S. swimming officials also announced Thursday they were slapping Phelps on the wrist by barring him from competing for three months and withdrawing financial support from him for a period of "reprimand."

(In a move of related severity, I grounded my youngest son this week. He has no tv for seven days, and has to clean his room. I know that's tough love--but I'm sure he's not up there just playing with action figures, and he can catch any reruns he missed on hulu.com next week.)

Now that Phelps is starting to suffer from dropped sponsorship, I wonder what he will do with his extra time?

I Want a Recount

I think my numbers came out a little low . . .

You Are 86% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

Get 'em while they're cold

Ever have that post-holiday sense of dissatisfaction?

Like there was that one gift you really wanted but didn’t get?

January is the traditional time to take care of unfinished business and make new resolutions. And the first thing you should resolve to do is reward yourself with one of the myriad of holiday ales from local Colorado breweries which you missed.

There are certain special brewing seasons in the beer world, and they kick in gear with Oktoberfest then culminate in the big Winter brews. You may refer to them as Christmas beers or Wassails, but this is when brewmasters go for enough creative gusto to give themselves bragging rights all the way through the summer.

Winter specials tend to be big on everything, especially malt (and therefore alcohol level), hops, and my personal favorite, spices. Cinnamon, coriander, orange peel, even actual chocolate are favorites as the lines to speak with Santa start to build.

Unfortunately, these extra efforts are usually in limited production, due to their costly nature and specialty audience.

All is not lost, though. Now is the time to act!

Due to their high alcohol feature, these wondrous brews have excellent preservation. It’s just a matter of hunting them down.

Here are three treasures from our great state that you should rush out and try to find. After introducing them to a loved one, who knows? Maybe next year you’ll find one in your stocking instead of an indestructible chunk of fruitcake.

1.) Snow Bound Spice Ale from the Lefthand Brewing Company of Longmont, Colorado
This is my personal favorite. It’s a strong ale generally spiced with all natural ingredients, including local clover honey, cinnamon, chopped ginger, orange zest, cardamom, and cloves. Its deep red color looks amazing when held up to a crackling fireplace, and it’s not too heavy to have a second, or third. Alcohol is 8.6% by volume. At only $5.99 a bomber, it’s a late Christmas miracle!
www.lefthandbrewing.com



2.) Frambrozen Raspberry Brown Ale from New Belgium Brewing of Fort Collins, Colorado
Comfort food in a bottle! When you uncap it, the aroma of fresh raspberry makes you forget about long lines and credit card debt. Its crimson color reflects not only the addition of the raspberries, but its delightful malt balance. This smooth ale is also a big hit with the non-beer aficionados. 7% alcohol by volume. Available in six packs.
http://www.newbelgium.com/beer/frambozen



3.) Cocoa Porter Winter Warmer from the Tommyknocker Brewery of Idaho Springs, Colorado
This is the post-roast beast dessert beer. Roasted cocoa beans and honey make this European style porter a perfect complement to a big slice of fudge cake. Well balanced with 5.7% alcohol.
http://www.tommyknocker.com


So stock up on those holiday ales today--or you’ll have to wait another ten months!

This Just In: Christian Bale Reminds My Kids of Me When Driving

"Batman" and "American Psycho" (although he's actually Welsh) star Christian Bale threw a world class hissy fit and nearly pooped himself last July on the set of "Terminator: Salvation".

Audio of the incident, when cinematographer Shane Hurlbut accidentally walked into the background of a shot, prompted this lovely tirade:



Coincidently, over-paid, whiny Bale reminds me of every over-paid, whiny retail manager I've ever had the displeasure of working for.

(My kids just think Batman reminds them of me trying to manuever around all the old farts who shouldn't be driving anymore and all the traffic-impeding trains that go through town.)













"Some days you just can not get a f*cking break."

What Type of Coffee Am I?

As if there were ever any doubt:

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

That's a Personal Question, Bub

Here's the trailer from yesterday's (yawn) Superbowl for the upcoming G.I. Joe
movie.

I know it's immature, but I like the part when old Dr. Who asks Dennis Quaid "What did you say your unit was called?"



Also, how can I hate terrorists who blow up the Eiffel Tower? Really?

Why Youtube and the Doors Suck

Recently Youtube blocked the sound on one of our home movies, "Karate Kids vs. Army of Darkness", due to a little 36 second snippet of the song “Break On Through” by the Doors as the Karate Kids runs through a graveyard.

Now it’s no secret that the certain surviving members of the Doors and their leaches are a bunch of whiny little bitches, especially John Densmore, the parents and estates of Jim Morrison and his wife Pamela Courson, and their representation.

At least Ray Manzarek and guitarist Robby Krieger still want to have some fun and play some music.

The Doors’ legal interactions have been well documented through the forty or so years since they recorded this song, or any other. (If you really feel so inclined, google “doors” and “legal” and watch all the page choices pop up.)

But seriously, complaining because the home movie of a couple kids has your old song in it? They should be happy to be remembered, and for any possible exposure to their dated material.

Anyway, Youtube, without any direct email or message notification, suspended ALL the sound on our video “Karate Kids vs. Army of Darkness” due to a complaint by the Doors’ representation WMG. They made the weak “offer” of swapping one of their licensed crap audio songs into the video, but it would only attach to the beginning of the movie, and wipe out all other dialog and sound effects, too.

Two brief points to consider:

1.) If there was no copyright infringement on youtube, about 40% percent of the total content on that site would be gone.
2.) This was a non-commercial home movie by a couple of kids that wanted to share it in an easy venue with family and friends. If there are any side commercials on its page, they were put there by youtube’s choice. Frankly, I don’t want to see promotions for “Paul Blart, Mall Cop”, or any equally artistic endeavors bumping down the information box on our videos.

We have now reloaded the whole movie, again, with the Doors song removed, and a brief improvisation by Nick on the electric guitar in its place.

I apologize to anyone who tried to view it in its original entirety, only to have it spoiled due to the legal whining or others. (I wish I had staff on retainer to scour the internet for possible violations of my content. Instead I’m actually working.)

If you did have any problem trying to view our movie before, please give it another try.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RinsyhZoPPE

Nostalgia, Part 37

Maybe it’s just me.

The economy is in the stinker, heating costs are up, my hours at work are down. With an impending birthday maybe I’m feeling a little nostalgic.

Remember the “good old days” when having an Oriental (not “Asian”, they were the “good old days” after all) houseboy wasn’t gay?

Like the Green Hornet or Inspector Clouseau.












Or maybe that only works in the non-gay sense if your sidekick’s name is Kato.

No, wait. The Kato thing doesn’t work for O.J.



And speaking of O.J.:


When exactly was the last time I ate corn? About three weeks ago? I just had the big “plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is”, and there it is. Was that an evacuation or an eviction? (Rimshot plays in the background)

Why Basset Brewery?

This is the name of our personal youtube production company. Usually we include this little video clip in our home movies. It’s our oldest basset hound, Freckles, sneaking some of my Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.

I discovered he likes it after he knocked over the recycling bucket and starting licking a bottle of it. He doesn’t show any interest in any other brands, but he does indeed like Sierra Nevada.

Maybe it’s the Cascade hops--or he just likes sneaking a few slippery licks before Daddy comes back and unknowingly takes a sip.